Smorgasbord of thoughts

This is going to be a real smorgasbord of thoughts and info but I’ve had a lot on my mind……

Mandela

We buried Madiba on Sunday. A big part of our history. Daddy Abs has saved the newspapers to put in Daniel’s memory box even though he’ll never really grasp the impact he made in this country….and I actually want to put a copy in ours too. As his casket was lowered I sobbed as though it was my father that has passed. And I questioned myself why? Not that I wasn’t allowed the privilege of mourning as so many South African’s have, but for goodness sake we didn’t grow up in Apartheid. My best friend at school in Std2 (Age 7) was a black girl. I can’t even begin to pretend Apartheid affected me. But I cried nevertheless…..What struck me most (and at the funeral I attended on Thursday) was the association factor. I cried very big sad tears for Graca Michel. What a strong courageous women that endured 10 days of mourning and watched as a country mourned our Tata, but at the end of the day ,she’s just a Wife who has lost her hubby……a wife who said “Till death do us part” and now she’s alone, her home will be missing a big part and consequently her heart…… I connected with that and I really hurt for her….I do think also that I mourned those that have passed. I miss my dear Rozzie, I mourn for my brother, my Darling Soppies, who I miss do very much…..and I miss them, each in very different ways but miss them all the same. Think it’s the time of year too.

I think with this time of year, coupled with being so blimming exhausted and burning the candle at both end, I’m a little emotional….actually NO I’m very emotional!!! I’m also not very pretty when I don’t have sleep (ask my hubby he’ll tell you how horrid I am) In amongst this emotional turmoil is the fact that my little boy is growing up so fast! He just keeps growing and when I opened the box of Christmas tree decorations that he personally made at school I was finished!! Where has my little guy gone??Maybe it’s because we’re thinking of no 2 quite seriously and I’m so aware of the time I have left with him before my love will be divided amongst two.

Thinking about no 2 has also put a little pressure on me with some success I might add. I’m talking with regards to my weight. Those that know me personally know I’m not a fat girl but for 2 years since the ginger graced us I have BATTLED to lose the last 4/5kgs. Now with the thoughts of no 2 looming I’m panicked that I won’t be at my goal before I fall pregnant. And it’s really simple. I really don’t want to carry another baby and hit 70kgs again. I have a small frame and no space between my boobs and my pubic bone so there is nowhere for a baby to go by OUT and out I did and as a result carried 12kgs forwards and as a consequence took major strain on my back and I really don’t want to relive that. So I have been super good but Christmas is coming so I need a few kgs in the bag. I’m proud to say I have lost 3 kgs in the last few weeks and am now officially thinner that I was before I fell pregnant with the Ginger…..let’s hope I can keep it off!!

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This weekend we put Daniel in his new bed. There was much excitement and relatively speaking it has been a really positive experience EXCEPT for the 4am waking’s! We’re not sure what it is but Daniel has been waking at 4am and doesn’t go back to sleep. This coupled with late nights has not been a pretty combination for me (refer to point above ) That pretty much snowballed in Spar on Saturday when I join the not so amazing terrible 2’s Child-losing-his–shit-in-a –public-space group. Daniel is a frikking nightmare. In fact they don’t make a word to describe the living hell we are going through with him!!! So much so that I was THRILLED to be at work yesterday and only too happy to drop him off at school….and I hate that. I hate that I hate my son as I’ve always loved my time with him. But wowee Payback is such a b!tch as I now have a mini (more intense, if that’s even possible) version of myself roaming this world!!! It’s not pretty. But as the saying goes….this too shall pass…..i hope its soon.

I had a funny sad moment over the weekend too as I watched the Vaalies (out of towners) descend on our little town. Whilst part of me is irritated at the invasion as well as the 200% increase in prices, part of me was quite sad (for a VERY brief moment) that we live here now……We don’t get to have the excitement of packing bags and going on holiday and coming down to the sea for 3 weeks…..silly I know…Like I said it was a fleeting moment. 🙂

Carols

This is the last week of mayhem for me. And hopefully my son will not keep on saying “mommy go church” when I pick up my keys after Friday. I have practically lived at the church the past two weeks in preparation for the Carol Service on Friday. I’m a little nervous as I will be doing all the intro’s for 350 people as well as singing a solo for “O holy night”! I do think it’s going to be an incredible evening and praying that is doesn’t rain.

Then hopefully things will settle down as I have one more week of work before some down time with the family.
Hope your silly season is not too silly and that you are all able to take some time off…..

Even in the ‘real’ times I’m blessed

Today has been a very heartbreaking but beautiful day… This will mostly be jumbled as most of my posts are following a few weeks break, as I have been secretly writing but just in my head and not on the blog due to lack of time or motivation so I have lots to say….

So here goes…

Melinda posted a few weeks ago about how people don’t seem to be real anymore and shouted out to the www is she the only mom/person that finds this whole motherhood thing bloody hard?!? Then there was Sharon
who challenged us to be real and post pics of real life. I’m sorry I missed out on taking part but diarising it for next year 1st Nov. #nofilterday

So it has had me thinking about being real, because I too post a lot more “motherhood is awesome” posts than ” motherhood is the frikking hardest thing you’ll ever do” posts. For example I have kept a journal since the day I found out I was pregnant with Daniel and I still write in it hoping he will one day want to read it and nowhere in there do i REALLY tell him how hard it really is…

So here’s getting real. Daniel is frikking awful at the moment…. And I mean , throw him against the wall and tape his mouth with duck tape awful. Terrible twos have hit our house in the hugest way resulting in a LOT of foot stomping and LOOOOOOTS of tears. It’s a battle with everything and I mean EVERYTHING.

20131113-223430.jpgA few weeks ago he went to school in his Pj top, board shorts and a pair of sheepskin slipper that were 3 sizes too small for him because the tears were actually not worth it and neither the battle ….. So yes come Monday at the moment I am actually thrilled to send him to school. There you have it REAL In a nutshell.

And then comes last night where through some facebooking I come across Mandy’s post that she is going to start a blog and I think “yay for you” I’m gonna read and give her some comments of encouragement. Well!! I didn’t comment so much. You see Mandy and Chris lost their beautiful little 4 yrs old girl in a freak accident a year ago…..so all I did whilst sobbing my little heart out was think to myself You lucky bitch, stop complaining you have this amazing little guy that you get to cuddle everyday, suck it up!!

Then today I had the heartbreaking privilege of going on a site visit to a crèche in shakashead. Shayamoya the crèche has 92 kids and what I saw today nearly me broke me in two…. The ilembe chamber of commerce and Tree ( NGO) have partnered together and together with the ladies business forum ( of which I’m member) we are going to target 20 crèches and change 497 little peoples lives over the next 3 yrs….so again I was reminded that even in my gingers terrible two-ness im still so privileged to have a healthy amazing little guy in my life and also be able to give him what he needs…..

So yah, motherhood is frikking hard and Daniel is not easy at the moment but shoeh I’m blessed even in the hard times and grateful for what I have. I have a little boy who I adore and so many privileges…. so whilst I’m real I will continue to write about this journey called motherhood, because even in the hard times it’s amazing!!