I need you to wait

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20141123-130141-46901525.jpgOn Thursday in a way we gave up on you. Or maybe just realised that as much a we’d hoped and begged and prayed, this is not God’s plan and you won’t get better. You won’t walk and you won’t talk…. So it seems pointless to carry on with speech therapy. Mom has resolved to keep you comfortable and happy. But we’ve given up and that sucks…. It’s not how it was supposed to be.

I no longer understand anything you say anymore and I wish I could just have one more conversion with you. What I would give for a duologue!!

You are regressing and don’t walk as often, instead sleep for long periods.

And the fact that this will more than likely be our last Christmas together still hurts. As Eep from the Croods says:( sorry I have a 3 yr old I watch a lot of animateds) “I have too much to say to you. I need to fix everything and I don’t have time”

How do I cram everything in… All my plans I have, my dreams that I know I’ll want your opinion on. I don’t want to have to talk to you in heaven to ask for your help from there.

This is NOT how it was supposed to be and it’s not fair that the Ablet will never know you and that Daniel was hardly remember you…

You said you’d wait till baby arrived and so that is my new prayer… selfishly….wait for the Ablet to arrive. I NEED, you to hold that baby in your arms and I need to spend one last Christmas with us.

Stop the world!

Warning this post is not pretty….. Fortunately for me it’s my space

It’s been another shit day! I wanna scream from the top of my lungs ‘stop the world I wanna hop off’

I’m so sick of hearing that God only gives you what you can handle but ffs enough already! I don’t want to handle anymore. I wanna sit in a corner and ball my eyes out and shout and scream at God because I’m angry, I’m so fucking angry

My dad saw the neurologist today and he left with a morphine patch script and script for strong sleeping tablets so that my mom can try get a full night sleep. We were told to make him comfortable to cut down the speech therapy to twice a week and up the physio to keep him pain free.

After his whole life slaving for a firm whose partners of 25 yrs bad mouthing him every chance they get, his life had culminated in sitting in a wheelchair unable to walk or talk. Wtf!! You tell me how that is fair?? He’s a good man, how is he supposed to deserve this and how are we supposed to get some meaning out of the fact that he will never walk or talk again but instead will for want of a better word live like a vegetable for 1……5…..maybe 10years!

And what kind of person does it make me that I wish he would just have another stroke and go…..but that all I now ask is to selfishly let him hold my newborn baby in December before he does……

And then there’s the build…… Stupid I know building a house while pregnant, so I suppose I deserve this part. But today we get a quote for piling for R75 0000, bearing in mind that when we got the report from the engineer there was no pilling and we all did happy dances because we were on virgin ground!!

They say always account for a 20% overspend on cost! we’ll my dear friends we’ve frikking blown that!! LONG time ago! So some serious questions going to the engineer tomorrow as to how their initial drawings estimated no piling and a tiny retaining wall and we’ve ended up with R94k in retaining walls and R75k in piling? Someone clearly hasn’t done their job. BUT it doesn’t help the fact that we have house plans, a plot and a build overspent by R170k and we haven’t started foundations! So what to do!

So like I said just stop that world for a second I want out!

When you believe

So dad was home for 5 days and we got the call from Entabeni rehabilitation centre to say that they had a bed for him.

The 5 days at home were incredibly challenging and were 24hrs round the clock for mom. We had teething problems with carers and settling in was challening but there were several upsides as well and we saw dad relax and really excel at home. But we still felt that a place where dad could get intensive rehab was the best place for him to be so off he went last week Thursday.

Entabeni has been a shock to the system for all of us. Its not what we expected and Dad has been very emotional when we see him. The care is really good and he is getting what he needs but emotionally we are not sure that its the best place long term. My dad up until the stroke was a practicing lawyer running a big practice. He got up for work everyday and still drove into the city. Now he is paralysed and can’t speak… Big thing to take in!!

Mom and I really prayed about it and also left it up to the big man usptairs to guide us and it seems that things have fallen into place and the path has been made clear for us… And that is to bring dad home and continue his therapy at home.

It wont happen today or tomorrow but we are making plans to get him home by the end of next week. We just need to get railing for the toilets and showers etc and also mom needed to find a carer whom she met this morning and who is lovely. We are trying not to get too excited as there have been many let downs during this journey but she’s sounds like a fit for dad and we are very blessed to have found her.

We met as a family with the Entabeni Rehab centre on Wednesday a week after dad’s admittance. It was a very constructive meeting and also not doom and gloom which we were expecting. They are very realistic and also have us their concerns. The therapists and Dr are all amazing and have my dad’s best interests at heart. When asked the direct question will my dad walk again, his physio said “YES” and when asked if he will talk again his Speech therapist said “YES” and the rest is history.

 

I still continue to believe Dad will make a recovery…a full one. We are not dealing with an ordinary person here. You have to meet this amazing man to know what we know in our hearts of heart…. he will do this.

When my mom had breast cancer many years ago and was going through chemo I printed this song out by Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston: When you believe. We laminated it and put it on the fridge and I’ll do it again. Because these are words we live by at the moment.

 

Many nights we’ve prayed
With no proof anyone could hear
In our hearts a hopeful song
We barely understood

Now we are not afraid
Although we know theres much to fear
We were moving mountains long
Before we know we could

Oh yes, there can be miracles
When you believe
Though hope is frail
Its hard to kill

Who knows what miracle
You can achieve
When you believe
Somehow you will
You will when you believe

In this time of fear
When prayer so often proves in vain
Hope seems like the summer birds
Too swiftly flown away

And now I am standing here
My hearts so full, I can’t explain
Seeking faith and speaking words
I never thought I’d say

There can be miracles
When you believe
Though hope is frail
Its hard to kill

Who knows what miracles
You can achieve
When you believe
Somehow you will
You will when you believe

They dont always happen when you ask
And its easy to give in to your fear, ohh
But when youre blinded by your pain
Cant see your way safe through the rain
Thought of a still resilient voice
Says love is very near

There can be miracles
When you believe
Though hope is frail
Its hard to kill

Who knows what miracles
You can achieve
When you believe
Somehow you will, how you will
You will when you believe

You will when you believe
Just believe
You will when you believe
Just believe
You will when you believe

Coming Home

On the way to the hospital when we got the terrible news of my dad all I could pray was: “Please God spare my dad , just let him live and let him come home” and tomorrow my prayer will be answered!

My dad is coming home. He has been given the all clear from the Physician Dr Ramdass (who by the way if you need a Physician at Ethekwini Heart Hospital, then this is your man. His bedside manner is amazing and he has been approachable and just present at a time when we needed it most). If you’re looking for a Neuro I can tell you who NOT to touch! Unless of course you want to be told you’re dying and there is no chance for survival!!!

My work colleague’s mom , who runs an old age home, has been an absolute Godsend with advice and helping mom get ready for dad’s return. We have hospital beds, wheelchairs , table and carers all on standby and will go and fetch dad tomorrow.

The road is still long but you know what right now…today… if feels like we’ll conquer anything!

I still believe in my dad and believe that he will make a full recovery. His speech is improving day by day and every day he gets stronger.

More than that we cant ask for!

Its so good to say MY DAD IS COMING HOME!

Our new life

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It’s been a week since our lives were completely turned upside down. A week since our family dynamic was changed forever….. A massive stroke of a loved one will do that to you and all of a sudden words such as aphasia, odema, CTA and broca enter your world.

It has been very much like I’ve been living a dream and whilst I’m very aware that it is my dad lying there I at the same time can’t comprehend it’s the same person with whom I was talking laughing and joking 7 days ago.

The stroke has been massive and it’s also been a roller coaster of ups and downs. Once thing we have all had to come to terms with is how small and slow the progress is. I’ve come to call the progresses LV’s ( little victories ) and right now I’ll take any!! God is teaching me such a lesson in patience and that this will be done in his time.

I continue to pray and believe wholeheartedly that my dad will recover and that he will hold this little baby in his arm for Christmas. I can’t accept anything less than that.

But it’s hard and so devastating to watch and I won’t lie I keep it together during the day for the sake of the ginger, Daddy Abs and my mom but at night I’ve had a few ugly man cries!!!

A few things I hold onto:
A colleague scolded me when I said to her I just want my dad at least to be able to speak. She said: Don’t limit God to what he can and cannot do. So I don’t. I expect the works from God and faithfully believe he’ll answer prayers.
Today the amazing Neuro who has taken over from the complete moron who has been treating my dad, said to me that whilst my dad’s type of stroke is in a very important part of the brain, if you could order the type of stroke you had, this is the one you’d want. So I hold onto that. After a week of negativity from the neuro telling us my dad was a no hope case to a man telling me that dad with the right sprit will be ok.

I hold into that…. More than that I cannot do.

But my heart aches and I miss my daddy, it’s as simple as that and this sucks!!

When all you can do is pray for a miracle

It’s been a tough 24hrs. Mom went to pick dad yesterday and she called us sobbing! Dad had had another stroke on Sunday night. The entire family rushed down to hospital and we spent the day there.

It’s in the same place as the previous stroke on Monday night but far more severe.
This has left him Paralysed in the right hand side of his body and he cannot talk. He has what is called Expressive Aphasia (Just means he is not able to talk)
He does however recognise us and can use his left arm to squeeze a hand or pull you towards him to give you a kiss.

Yesterday was a very tough day we spent most of the day just floating around the hospital and spending brief periods with Dad.

All we can do is pray for a recovery. I have prayed and prayed and begged God for a miracle all the while still trying to come to terms with the fact that my dad will probably never be the same again. But as a Christian I have to believe that what will be will be and that it is in God’s hands. He knows the plans he has for us.

We in for a long Journey but for me I pray that Dad will regain his speech. There’s so much I want to say to him and I’m sure he wants to say to us. I pray he gets to do that.

The rollercoster returns!

So my dad had a stroke on Monday night!

And just like that we’ve be plunged back into the world of hospitals visiting hours and tears!

It was a minor stroke and we are lucky that there is no major paralysis in the body or face. He is weak on the right hand side and is having speech therapy to regain his vocab.

To the untrained eye you would not know that it has happened but after a few minutes you pick up he is talking a little bit of rubbish and when he cant find a word he goes: “um  um um, you know its just the way it is”

Mom, the superhero, is holding up like a champ as she always does. Although she took him to Alberlito (our closest hospital ) she had the presence of mind to get him transferred to our Knight in shining armour Hospital, The Ethekwini Heart Hospital. Once again the level of care that Dad has received has been amazing. Dr Khan the Neurologist has been great as well and we yet again feel it is the best place for him to be , albeit a terrible drive to go see Dad.

We’re all holding up fine but occasionally tears of frustration do catch me. I wonder when my darling father will wake up and smell the coffee and realise that there is more to life at the ripe old age of 73 than driving into the city every day to work,  and that he has a family that adores him and a wife who would like to spend some quality years with him. I selfishly fear that he wont get to see his grandchildren grow up and that we wont have our house built in time for him to be able to pop over when he want to watch a game with Rich or have some tea, just because he can.

But we don’t dwell on the negative and instead we pray that he’ll make a speedy recovery and most of all in the time he has before he’s fully recovered that somewhere in all of this he realises there’s more to life…..