365 days of different

Today marked a year since our lives changed forever…and it sends chills down my spine as I remember driving down to the hospital 13 weeks pregnant with the Kat and praying ‘lord please let him live, please let him live’ 

And God answered that prayer…..

We aren’t the same though and our family dynamic is not what it used to be. A family member having a stroke will do that to you. Our get togethers aren’t as loud with the presence of my larger than life dad telling stories, with his face alight and his hearty laughs…. Instead he’s now the one who sits and observes, mute.

He’s slowing down tremendously and who knows how long he’ll be with us. My older brother left today to go back home to Toronto. Very hard for him, knowing that more than likely he won’t see his dad alive again….. Emigration hurts no matter reasons you do it for! 

And I lie in bed awake….A lot…mostly after the 3am feed where I’ve had a few hours, just enough to recharge me. And I think of how I’ll tell my son about heaven and  where his ‘bugga’ has gone to. And I think of his funeral and how we will portray what an amazing man he was. Because let’s face it any funeral you go to people will tell what an amazing person the deceased was but people that have met and have known my dad just don’t know how blessed they were because he was…. Is such an incredible person. 

I don’t think we’ll ever know Gods reason or timing for this but we have learnt over the last year:

  • To treasure the little things and small victories 
  • To LOVE and I mean with all your heart the ones close to you
  • That the human spirit will ALWAYS hope even in the face of adversity

But we will never be the same and shoeh there are some days that I so wish it hadn’t ended this way as I had so much I still wanted to do with my dad…. I just treasure that I still get the chance everyday to say what I need to say and whisper ‘ I love you’ and THAT I take as a gift….. I’m given the chance everyday to treasure the time I have left with him. 


Shut up and be grateful

This weekend was amazing!! I weeded my entire garden and as a result feel as tho my hamstrings may snap off from either my knees or my butt but I weeded!! It’s significant because it means I spent the entire day pottering around our home and not achieving much…. And it rocked!!!

It’s what we’ve yearned for, for so long, to just be able to spend time in our own place as a family….

Saturday evening we went to La Piazza. It’s a local Italian place that is literally on our doorstep. It’s ridiculously overpriced and really the pizzas ( which is the only thing we stick to after many disappointing meals there) are average…. You ask then why on earth do we go? Well it’s simple LOCATION LOCATION LOCATION. It’s close to home which means daddy Abs can have a beer or two and me some wine and we can walk home and don’t have to get behind the wheel. Also it had a cool jungle gym and play area for the ginger. So yah dropped a small fortune there but the best part was we were home early and in bed early…. Good thing as the kids pulled a pearler tag team effort on Saturday night. So we employed the divide and conquer. Daddy Abs ended up in the Gingers room (the two single beds have proven quite useful lately) and Kat and I wrestled until 4:30 when I fed her and then gave up trying to doze.
So I put her in front on her bears and she had a chat with them for an hour.

She’s super cute at the moment. Still as chilled as ever but also finding her voice and realising that he who shouts the loudest…… She is NOT happy on her back at the moment and just loves to sit. Unfortunately the tummy muscles need a little more work so we prop her up with pillows and she spends a good deal of time in the downward Kat position (see below 🙂

Daniel continues to grow and remain strong willed …..strong being the operative word! As infuriating as this age is , it is also so rewarding and the stuff that comes out of his mouth is just priceless!

IMG_1660 (1280x853)

Sunday was a special day as we celebrated my mom’s 70th. We just had a family lunch at home which my sister catered. It was really beautifully done. My aunt (mom’s sister) who also shares the same birthday 3 years apart was up for the week and it was so lovely to see mom so alive. I think it was just so nice for her to be out and about and “live” a little again. It’s been a tough year for us all , with mom taking the brunt of it.

The weekend was so good for me. It was a time for reflection….. I sorted a lot of thoughts out in my head. Which I mostly do when I run (which is not happening at the moment). I had a chat with a friend the other day who said to me in conversation : oh well when things settle down for you….. and I was hurt by it and angry, in a kind of defensive way….sort of because I felt we ddidn’tfit the bill….. But then I realised not only was she RIGHT but this IS our life. Our life IS hectic and its NOT going to change and you know what. I like our new life. I love my little family the chaotic way it is. Just made me realise again (this happens periodically) that we have spent so much time making friends since we moved here and that its time we actually concentrated on us as a family ,because in the end of the day ,friends change their views and grow their own ways and a change to family dynamic will not always fit in with their plans unless you’re going through the same phase at the same time. The one constant thought is your family and on that you can always rely. I’m still trying to box my friendship with my best friend of ten years and how it all went south. And there have been many moments when I’ve thought of picking up the phone, but its not out of stubbornness that I haven’t, its more out of where the hell does one start? And then I also realise that my friendship couldn’t have meant much. I didn’t even get an sms when my little girl of 4mths had pneumonia in hospital – I really do need to come to terms with the fact that she doesn’t care….it’s hard though.

With some me time came the opportunity to login into feedly and read all the many blogs I follow. And wow have I missed outa lot. I also got to the read the 1001 and web pages Id opened and never gotten round to reading. I read some really heart wrenching stuff, and stuff that made me really sad , but the saddest was of a couple that decided not to abort their Trisomy 13 child and rather carry him to term, knowing he wouldn’t survive many days….. They spent 5 days with him and documented those days. On the 5th Day they both fell asleep next to him only to wake and he was gone. I was beside myself!!! And I know I always say its relative and that your battles and trial you are going through , you are also entitles to moan and complain about. BUT HOLY CRAP, can you imagine that! And it made me catch a wake up! Its been a tough 12 months, yes, it’s also been a really challenging 2015 so far, yes, BUT it’s time to stop bloody complaining it’s time to SHUT UP and be GRATEFUL, no matter how big or small.

So on that note I’m going to start #shutupandbegrateful posts. Basically its going to be similar to my #100happydays I did last year but it will be something I’m grateful for every day. And it starts today. I’m going to post them on Instagram. Mainly cos it’s the easiest from my phone because I take most of my photos on my Iphone.

So here goes and this is an obvious one:

#1 I’m Super grateful for my healthy gorgeous family


#1: Sunday morning selfie – #shutupandbegrateful