The Kids

I’m not really sure where to begin. It’s been one helluva year as far as they’re concerned. Two is just more hectic than one. Although the helluva hectic part is not really the Kat’s fault, but more largely due to her brother. To say that we are going through hell on earth with the Ginger at the moment doesn’t really come close to it! And to say that he is giving us a run for our money also doesn’t even come close to describing it!

I am led to believe that 4 is a very big year for a four year old and as a result it has been a very ‘Big Time‘ for us.
The Ginger is not sleeping and this led to some concerns over why and why the tears at school and why the massive separation anxiety. Having the ‘luxury’ of working from home, meant that the very obvious choice was for us to pull him out of aftercare and bring him home to spend the afternoon here.

This brings with it many challenges as he is totally not capable of spending time alone or without a constant sounding board or playmate. It didn’t help that for close on two years we were in rentals and didn’t have a safe playing area for him and so he was under constant supervision. Now that we have our own enclosed garden you would think he’d love the freedom of playing, but no its far easier to be with mom….. I know I should be flattered!
So it’s been challenging trying to get work done in the afternoons.

The sleeping or lack thereof…..who the blimming hell knows!?!?! Every now and then I try to figure it out but really we have no idea why he is not sleeping. We have cut his TV time, we have changed his diet, We have talked lovingly and no raised voices….you name it! One thing we did do that has improved the amount of waking’s to only 2 per night and definitely not as much hysterical crying is that we have left the bathroom light on and his door open.

About two weeks ago he begged to fall asleep in our bed and then we’d transfer him when we went to bed…. He asked me to put our walk in closet light on and leave the door open. So I left it ajar. When we went to fetch him the door was wide open and he was lights out. So I said to Daddy Abs let’s leave his door open and leave the bathroom light on. He has had a night light from small but it’s obviously dim and not enough light and it’s been like chalk and cheese! All I can say I long may it last….its been hell!!!

The Kat. She just gets on with it! She is busy cutting teeth and in fact slept through a couple nights whilst cutting her top 3! So yah she just keeps on amazing me with how chilled she is and I keep on expecting it to fall apart! She changes daily and in the past few weeks has learnt to clap her hands and also waves goodbye to everyone. It’s adorable. She’s also learnt to shout at her brother when he irritates her. She is desperately trying to crawl but can’t get over her rolls in the thighs. She’ll get there though.

She is all smiles and melts your heart……oh and has daddy totally wrapped around her baby finger.

Even though it’s been a stormy few months I’m just so completely blessed to have these two little people to call mine. And as tough as it is to work from home form the interruptions perspective, I am just loving being around to watch them grow. They are sprouting like weeds before my eyes and even though I’m exhausted and there are days I want to run away, I wouldn’t change this journey for anything!

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Goodbye Tonsillitis

Tomorrow the ginger is having a tonsillectomy and I’m absolutely petrified…. And not for the reasons one would normally be scared…. I’m scared and fearful for those reasons too as no mother willingly puts her child under and is ok with it. But I’m scared of my ginger!! There I said it!!! Daniel comes with fire that you can only really understand when you’ve stood in the firing line… And to be quote honest I’m absolutely dreading the next couple of days. He is going to be beyond unbearable.

So please keep us in your prayers and wish me luck!! 

Now I must sleep. Need to wake said ginger at 2am to give him some apple juice and then up at 5:30am to get to the hospital in time. 

31 things

*its a long one beware and there will be moaning, bitching but then I guess that’s the beauty of it being my space – Reminds me of the lyrics: it’s my party…… 😉 *

The title is one of my first posts I wrote in my head about 5 weeks ago! Since then I’ve written about another dozen in my head so I guess It’s pretty apt as there is so much that has happened, so much to talk to, so many thoughts to offload…. Although 31 things doesn’t really come close…. More like 61!!

Adjusting to my new life.I won’t lie I’m taking some serious getting used to this working from home thing. Don’t get me wrong it’s still the best thing that’s ever happened to me, but if I had to look at the past two months objectively and I was the boss, which I am, I’d have fired me long ago!!! My business takes last place. After, family, maid, house and the list goes on. And that’s seriously wrong. I should be ploughing serious hours into this business and instead I’m spinning around doing all other cr@p that’s not ‘expected’ of me yet just ends on my plate. Every Monday though I regroup and start over and try again… I fail….. but at least in trying. I’m doing surprisingly well considering the effort being put in and have signed 3 clients this month. God has been so good to me.

Mothers guilt. I thought It would be different being at home with Kat but it’s just morphed into different forms but it’s still there. Just proves that us women and mothers are SO good at feeling guilty for just living! My latest guilt is the fact that I have to stop breastfeeding. The Kat,post my Cape Town trip, has just point blank refused to feed. I’ve had a few successes but she’s on the whole just not interested anymore. I’m mostly sad and very heart sore but also feel guilty that I went to Cape Town (I frikking know right?!?) And then there’s the ginger. He’s sleeping really badly AGAIN and I permanently feel it’s my fault for not spending enough quality time as I’m always running myself raggard with 1001 things and short with him. So of course it’s my fault right?!??

On running myself raggard.I seems to be in a permanent spin and the list never seems to get smaller. And every so often I will get an older lady ie not my generation tell me that I’m soooooo lucky to have a husband who’s hands on with the kids. And I read a blog post the other day which really summed it up for me. I am lucky because there are many husbands that don’t help. BUT that doesn’t mean I should have to accept always coming last out of the 4 of us or having to perform 40 tasks for every one someone else in the house does. Or as a women do I? Your thoughts?

Cape Town- 2.5 days 2 nights. 4 wine estate, waterfront, night out. 2 best friends and NO children. 

That pretty much sums it up. Heaven doesn’t come close to describing how frikking amazing the time was. It made me realise just how neglected I’ve felt and how much I’ve lost touch with myself. I laughed so much my belly hurt, I lived on a staple diet of cheese, red wine, champagne and ice cream. It was just amazing and made me treasure the two special friends I went with. I’ve only known them just over a year and they truly have supported me through a tough year. Those type of people you hang into. Most of all there is just no cr@p with them, which is really hard to find, especially with females ( we’re a special species 😉

Weekends away and conditions for travel. 

We were away again this weekend. It the second and last of our two annual weekend away. We we’re at Castleburn. It’s our first time and it’s really lovely. I packed totally incorrectly for us as it was quite warm even tho the max temp was only supposed to be 22 deg. It must be really beautiful in summer and has a lovely pool which the kids could make use of. There are also great activities for the kids, trampoline, tennis courts, paddle boats, jungle gym etc. My first impression is that we’ll be back.

BUT and there is a very big but. There will be conditions for travel going forward. I will no longer be trying to pack this family of four myself and then driving like a banshee to fetch daddy Abs from work and then arriving in the cold and dark with two kids who have slept and hour already and then have to settle in an unfamiliar environment. It’s not a great start for every weekend for me. I arrived stressed and raggard and just not conducive for good family time and I’m done doing it. I’ve been doing this for 4 years and the conditions for travel will be that we rather go away less but definitely not after work. It just don’t work!!

(Oh and on an aside and totally random……. I  was sitting outside on the Saturday and saw a hearse pull up and escort a dead body out a unit from across the road. What the hell. Not often you see that whilst on holiday!!!

The Kat.

Every day I fall more and more in love with her. She’s a smart cookie this one. Very expressive with her hand (secretly I hope she’ll play the piano like her momma ) and she communicates so well when she wants to tell you something. She is a beautiful 9kgs with thighs and cellulite to die for. The kind you jsut wanna sink your teeth into. I’m truly very blessed that I’m able to watch her sprout before my eyes, even if it makes me a little heartsore in the process.

The Ginger.

We’ve just done his 9/10/11th bout , sorry i lose track, of Tonsillitis. This was a particularly bad round with temps hitting 41 degrees and battling to break them. We have an appointment with Dr Desmarais at the end of the month as I think it’s time we get them out. Not looking forward to it and have some serious fears about it , thanks to my best friend who has scared the kak out of me (her little one had a really bad experience) So yah I’m hoping Desmarais will be able to alleviate some of my fears. Other than that he’s a real sweetheart and coming up with the most precious things. He turns four next week can you believe it and we’re having a little party at home for him. It’s a dinosaur theme. Really need to get my A into G and get cracking on  the decor. (ADD TO LIST OF 31 THINGS)

And here we are Spring is here, can you believe its September!!! I have my diet on and starting to shed my scaly and pale skin. * note to self , get legs into sun, you can no longer live at the coast and be THIS pale, not a great advert for coastal living * And that’s pretty much me in a not so concise short nutshell.

And the way its going….until next month take care. 🙂

When it’s stormy….all around

I have been writing this post in my head for weeks now….but as the chaos around us has continued the post has grown in my head and the likelihood of it getting it on ‘paper’ even further removed…. Then I read a new blog post by pinkcandiapple and then I just considered deleting the whole bloody thing! It did put my troubles into perspective and also yet again makes me realist than when you are riding the storm it just seems so much worse than when you’re sitting on the outskirts watching it in the distance….

I’m happy to say (although I’m scared to jinx it) that we may be on our way of the storm…. For now at least and hopefully it’ll stay that way!!!

So let’s rewind 3 weeks…. And I promise not to waffle, more because I don’t have the energy but also no one really want to hear about someone else’s kak…. But nevertheless it’s our chaotic story so it needs to be told if no other reason than continuity!

So rewind with me wont you…..

The Kat is finally discharged from hospital, we survive the full week back at work and sadly Daddy Abs’s folks leave to go back home on the Saturday. It was so divine that week to come home to a smiley baby who had slept and eaten well and I knew was looked after the way I would’ve…… I’m still working on the inlaws retiring in Durban!!  🙂

Then Tuesday early hours of the morning I happen to check my phone after a feed  to see an SMS from my good friend to tell me her little one (Daniels girlfriend) is in hospital!!!!!  I don’t sleep for the rest of the night! By Thursday they have diagnosed it as H1N1 aka swine flu and Daniel is running a temp and dad is sick as a dog and both are at home. I didn’t think he had swine flu but he was definitely fighting something and daddy Abs was also really not well. I had to work of course having been off the week before, and I was also petrified that Kat was going to get it…… That weekend was not pretty….

It becomes really apparent really quickly that we need full time help at home and so I begin the search for a full time nanny. Enter Nanny #2 ( remember first nanny was fired for falling asleep with Kat on her lap and nearly dropping her…all of this 4 days before I was due to go back to work!!!!)

Nanny 2 seems lovely until day 3 when I realise she cannot follow instructions at all. It was fine until I realised she was washing 5 bundles of washing a day and I told her not to ( so she HAND washed them—- cos that’s different right???) the final straw was when she polished half a kg of biltong off in the week she worked for us, that was after destroying a beautiful piece of meat for our dinner by turning it into inedible biltong…..

Nanny 3 started this week and she too seems lovely. I have been really hard with her and I think the poor girl is scared of me but she’s an incredibly hard worker and seems switched on. I really hope she works out and I’m taking it really slow with her. I’m not letting fetch the ginger from school yet or cook for us. I want to know that the time I’m investing in her is worth it.

So fingers crossed….I really hope she’ll be the one to become part of our family.

On top of the past three weeks  we’ve had the builders back in the house ‘fixing’ snags. I say ‘fixing’ because some of the snags are actually worse now. My builder who built our house is working on a big project so he sent his apprentice up who basically botched everything and so he’s back in the flesh next week to fix everything. The big work and hopefully the dust is over and hopefully in another week or so we can return to normal.

I really hope so cos we have Kats baptism in three weeks and having about 40 people over so the house needs to look spic and span.

I’ve been having a few tough weeks emotionally as well. Looks it’s not been an easy few weeks. Daddy Abs is working his A off and as a result I’m single parenting a bit again. I seem to have found my mojo on that front though and Kat being a little older is making it easier. I’m battling though with how quickly they are growing and how much I’m missing out. I saw the ginger swim on his own for the first time last week….via video from a mom who got to witness it first-hand. VIA VIDEO!!! It’s ok to say: Oh the first time I see it in person will my first time because it doesn’t cut it. It’s really becoming apparent that I need to find something to do on my own…..but what and how do I place my family under more financial strain to start a business…..all things going through my tiny little head.

 

Also I WANT to be there for every little thing and I don’t expect people to get that I want to be there for EVERYTHING. For example Kat started solids two weeks ago and we started on rice cereal so over the weekend I started Butternut. Today I had to give creche sweet potato to try her on because I don’t want to try something at night for the first time. So I missed out on her face when she tries a new food for the first time. And it hurts….sounds stupid I know….but hurts nevertheless.

But you know what God never once says be afraid I’m not going to handle this for you. Instead he promise to hold our hands and I do believe that there are only good things ahead for us.

You have to just look at my two beautiful children to know this is true.

 

The tragic weekend of Hluhluwe 2015

We’ve been away for the weekend. It was a complimentary weekend fully paid at the Protea hotel Hluhluwe in compensation for the crap weekend we had in October for Daddy Abs’s  birthday. They put us up in the lodge with was absolutely stunning and we were all set for a really stunning weekend….. Until Kat got sick.

She’d been ailing with a snotty nose which turned pear shape on Thursday. So I took her to the doctor only to be told there was nothing really they could do because she’s so little and also it wasn’t bacterial. So we’ve been treating her symptoms and she’s had ups and downs. It’s however now gone to her chest and after battling to get her down until 11pm last night I’m worried about her. Her breathing was a little laboured last night. So we need to get her checked out. 

We toyed with the idea of canceling the weekend but you know that saying it’s far easier crying in a Mercedes than on a bicycle…. I figured if it was going to go pear shaped rather in a 5* lodge than at home.

Now I’m not so sure…..

You see yesterday the ginger got sick as well and I think now has full blown tonsillitis… Again!! And he got sick fast. When we left the lodge to go to the game reserve he was fine and then suddenly spiked a massive temp!! 

So we’ve just left  the lodge and on our way back home to the ER (because there are no Dr’s open after 11am) 

This is proving rather challenging considering I’ve only been back at work for a week and this is now happening and I don’t know how I’m going to work this… On top of that I have no filter chick who will be on my back telling me this is all my fault because I have sent my poor tiny baby to crèche and that expressing at work is not going to help and how dare I take 20 min a day to do so  and that she has two sick kids too but her mother is SO amazing and looks after them and if I had a full time maid and an ‘amazing mother’ like hers then I wouldn’t have to figure out how I’m going to keep my children home tomorrow and still go to work…… And I want to scream at her and tell her to shut the hell up and that I DO have an amazing mother who is doing her best looking after my father day in and day out  even though she wants to fall part, and that I HAD a maid until I found her sleeping on the rocking chair with my tiny baby and that I’m trying to FIND a maid  to look after my kids when they’re sick but battling to find one and that I’m TRYING to find my feet back at work and doing everything and that I’m trying to SURVIVE on 3hrs sleep a night and that I DO doubt myself and the choices I’ve made but that I don’t need her on my case because contrary to popular belief she like me is NOT perfect!!! 

So yah we’re on our way home from a really kak weekend. I feel kak because our poor friends that came with us had a kak weekend as a result. 

It’s just another weekend to add alongside the tragedy of Dullstroom 2011, the tragedy of Harties 2012, tragedy of JHB 2013!!! I won’t lie I’m considering cancelling our weekend away in June to Castleburn, because  you know I’ve now proven, when your kids are sick it’s just easier to be home. 

So think of us as we enter this week week. It’s gonna be interesting. Going to have to dig deep and I pray we find a solution….

Dark spaces and happy days…a catch up

It’s 5:54am and I’m awake….have been since 4:30 when I fed Kat, who then decided it was far more fun to stay awake. She’s now asleep in the swing of course and I have to be up in 6min as I’m singing in church this morning for the Easter service so that my sleep done! 

Got love kids and we choose to do this?!? The above picture is why… Because we watch them when they sleep and marvel at how perfect they are even when they’ve woken us at 4:30am.

So let’s catch up quickly before I have to get ready. 

 

We’re in the house! At long last the dream of close on two years materialised and we got the keys to our beautiful home on the 21st march. We moved on the Saturday and won’t lie it’s been chaos and was by far the hardest moves I have ever done and trust me I’ve moved 13 times in 10 years so I know what I’m talking about. There is still so much dust and dirt and everything is just harder with two small kids. Also doesn’t help that daddy Abs is still working his butt off at work an therefore not able to assist and at night too tired to help so basically I’ve had to do it on my own. 

The ginger has finally adjusted and seems to be far more settled now finally as we’ve been pulled through the ringer with him! He was just playing up and it’s so nice to see him mostly back to the sweet little boy we once knew. Biggest problem for me was the regression in his potty training. He started to poo in his pants and everyone said don’t make a big scene about it but after three months I just felt that everyone else’s advice was not working for us as I really felt he knew what was going on. So we were on our third change of undies one day and I was doing something in the kitchen when I heard: ‘oh no, the poos coming out.’ All nonchalantly as if it was ok. Well I smacked him on the bum, marched him off to the loo and said to him this is how it’s gonna be going forward. You poo in your pants and you will get smacked, you will also be punished and have no treats. Do you understand? He didn’t even cry and said yes he understood and since then we’ve had no accidents. It just shows you all the books and google in the world can’t prepare you for parenthood and you HAVE to go with your gut because EVERY child is different. 

What would my life be if there wasn’t a little drama 4 days before I go back to work??? Well we had a little nanny saga. So two months ago I started having a wobbly about Kat being so young when I go back to work (3.5mths, her brother was 5 and there is a big difference!) so I started to consider that maybe I could use some full time help at home and also keep Kat at home for the first year. So in went thru and agency and found a nanny. She started at the beginning of March  and at first seemed really amazing. But then I started realising she really didn’t know what she was doing. I’m very emotional about going back to work and so I said to daddy Abs I wasn’t making an rash decisions and would see how it went during my first month back. That was expedited when I walked into the nursery three days ago and found her asleep in the rocking chair. The problem was not that she had dozed off but that my precious daughter was perched on a pillow on her lap and was not supported and could’ve rolled off. I know she would’ve said how sorry she was and that it would’ve happen again but I knew in my heart of hearts she wasn’t qualified for the job and that I wouldn’t be able to go to work on Tuesday confident that Kat was safe. So I went to Daniels old crèche and by the grace if God Kat’s place was still available and she starts on my first day. Need to now get my head around packing school bags etc for two, going to be interesting times .

 Daddy Abs and I had a long hard chat a few nights ago and really going to have to hit the routine hard during the week. It’s the only was we will survive. I for one am looking forward to it as I thrive on routine and is how I am most effective and achieved most things in my life…. Daddy Abs acknowledges it’s the only ways we’ll for everything in however it doesn’t come naturally to him so we’ll see 🙂

 So tomorrow is Easter Sunday a very momentum day for us Christians. Going to be an interesting one as the ginger is still to young to really grasp the full concept of the crucifixion but yet we still don’t want it to be all the about the bunny.

 This also marks for me a really sad time as I will be going back to work in two days. My maternity leave didn’t work out at all how I planned it would. Katherine has grown like a weed right before my eyes yet I’ve been doing everything but watching her grow up and I’d be lying if I wasn’t bitterly disappointed about that. But i won’t harp on that  here as I’ve written a really crappy, dark, bitter and twisted post on it, which I’m still contemplating posting 🙂

My dad is regressing yet still has good days… What an oxymoron. I still remain true to the wish that I do not want him to feel anymore pain and that he would just fall asleep and not wake up, but with the baptism of our baby girl in June, my mom’s 70th and my brother and his family coming out one selfishly hopes he’d stick it out till then. But there will alway be another birthday, milestone or something we want him to stay for, it’s the human condition. Just when I think I’m ready for him to go I find a reason for it not to be ok. A stroke has got to be the shittest and cruelest thing to happen to someone. 

On a brighter note:

I ran to the gym today and as those beautiful endorphins kicked in I dreamt of marathons I would enter and felt so much better. 

I have been thinking of doing another #100happydays mainly because I’ve spent the past few weeks in a really bad space and I think it’s time to focus on the good of which there is lots . Right now I’m I’m in the midst of sleep deprivation and going back to work and trying to find my feet in all of this that I’m not sure I want to add to that pile. If I change my mind tho this space will be the first to know.

So that’s me in a nutshell and best I get to bed before the Kat wakes for her first feed. 

Single parenting suicide hour

I’m not sure how long I can go on like this…. I have just walked out of the gingers room, poured myself a glass of wine and I should be fist pumping and air high fiving myself yet I’m sobbing. Daddy Abs works for an agency and I get it, they work like dogs. Really I get it, when I went into labour with the ginger my husband opened his laptop to mail people before we went to the hospital!!! 

But now there are two little people in this dynamic and I just don’t know how to do it. And I’m still on maternity leave how on earth am I going to go back to work in 4 weeks and cope with doing the bedtime thing alone. 

I get that my career was over the moment I had Daniel and I don’t resent that one bit. But please tell me how I’m supposed to find a job that allows me to be home to single parent suicide hour and earn sufficient money to school said kids? 

How do I get two little people with very different needs down for the night? Because I only have one set if hands!?!? Kat is so little still and she needs a little loving and rocking and she particularly hard to get down because she is so overstimulated by the time it gets to bed because I’m always parming her off to the car seat which I’m rocking her with my foot whilst trying to feed her brother or she’s in the swing. It’s not fair to say she’s too small to understand and she’ll live, she also deserves a cuddle before she goes to bed. 

And then we are having a really tough time with the ginger at the moment. He’s pooing in pants and is presenting with really bad leg pains which we are considering seeing a paediatric orthopedic Dr for as we are watching for Legg–Calvé–Perthes Disease. He is also waking with nightmares and sobbing and is also clinging to me like never before, so clearly the little guy is fragile and needs me. I get that he’s ‘lost’ me and ends up suffering and having to lie on the couch while I put his sister to bed when in actual fact he should not be watching TV till right before bed and should be in bed an hour before I actually get him there. 

But flip like I said I only have one set of hands. And my dear friends can’t help and even when they do which is often, it’s no long term solution. I just need a solution!!!! 

Apologies for the rant. But I feel inadequate, guilty on two children’s  accounts and just plain helpless.

So excuse me while I drink my glass of wine, then dust myself off and go make supper. 

Grow me another set of hands please

You hear that? That’s silence……The silence following the battle of world war 3 which we enter nightly!!!

Holy crap I’m spent, please can someone grow me at least another 3 sets of hands!!!

So let’s catch up….

The Kat ( aka Fatso melatso) is growing like a weed. She is just gorgeous and during the day we are finding our rhythm. She is ‘talking’ beautifully and is all smiles. When she’s not sleeping she’s chilling and there have been a few moments that I’ve forgotten where I’ve put her she’s so quiet!!!

The ginger is maturing so quickly. He is just darling with some of the things coming out of his mouth. Sadly tho that’s where it ends!!! He’s dropped his sleep at school and as a result is meltdown-tired from 4pm. That is totally exacerbated by the fact that Daddy Abs only gets home by 6:30 so I’m saddled with a very grumpy ginger with whom you you have to tread very carefully and a little Kat who needs to sleep and won’t sleep unless held. Interesting!! So hence my need for another set of hands because I am finding it really hard to be in two places at once.

As a result I’m thinking of putting the Kat onto a bottle at night so Richard can feed her. I’m not stoked about this because it means I either have to put her on formula or I’m going to spend more time expressing and when I go back to work I’m going to be expressing more that actually feeding her, which is so not cool!!

In fact there is nothing cool about going to work full stop!! Still battling with it and not looking forward to it!! Not sure how I’m going to be expressing and will probably be doing it in my car due to less than ideal conditions at work!!

The house is almost complete and in fact we’re in our last week! Then fingers crossed we will be in, in two weeks!! (Haven’t packed a box yet but hey why not live on the wild side ) Looking forward to being in our new space. This house is pretty darn close to the most beautiful place I’ve ever seen and I’m very excited about the move. It’s been dreadfully stressful tho and quite a real fighting point for daddy Abs and me so I won’t lie I’m looking forward to not talking building soon.

Got back to the gym this week and in fact went for my first run in 5 months on Sunday. Can’t walk today but the lactic acid in my legs is a good sore. I’m surprisingly not as unfit as I expected and I suppose running with my 7month belly obviously kept me fitter than I thought. Still have a long road ahead and would ideally like to lose 10kgs this year. One step at a time though.

So hectic times and still trying to find our mojo but we’re getting there and exiting times ahead….. We keep focussing on that!!

Working mom meltdown

I haven’t had any baby blues. I’ve been lucky I guess. I have however been plagued by many tears at having to go back to work. With the ginger I managed to stave off the tears till only the week before but this time I have been in tears already.
The thought fills me with complete dread and I so wish I had the alternative to be able to work half day.

Knowing I have to go back to work with Kiki only 3.5mths old prompted a serious look at whether she’ll go to crèche like her brother or stay at home with a nanny. This however resulted in some serious torment and having to undo all my thinking as I had made my peace with crèche when we had the ginger and I had to undo this….our circumstances have however changed and I do think this is the best choice for us now.

But my heart hurts so much. It hurts everytime Iook at this face and when my little boy grabs onto me and tells me he missed me.

Being on maternity leave has given me the opportunity to watch Daniel in his first swimming lessons and pick him up a little earlier from school and my heart broke when he asked me to come and watch him next week at his swimming lesson as if it’ll always be this way. It also broke me on Friday. Daniel had had a late night and was ailing with a cold in the morning so I told the teacher I would fetch him at straight after school and he wouldn’t go to aftercare. So when I fetched him his face lit up and he said: you taking me home? I don’t have to go to aftercare? Oh mommy thank you, I missed you so much!!

In 7 weeks my babies will be someone else’s ‘problem’ and that hurts and sucks in SO many ways. And I wish it was different and I so wish right now i’d won the lotto so things could be different. So please excuse me while I have a little meltdown!!!

7 weeks and all the change

It’s been 7 weeks since our little girl entered this world and turned the little semblance of normality we had upside down. I remember my sister saying to me many years ago, motherhood is the greatest leveler and with round 2 it is no different.
She is different to Daniel so in many respects we’ve had to re-learn stuff her way.

Kat has been a DREAM compared to the ginger. She has really been easy which I needed because the past few weeks health wise haven’t been. At the beginning of last week I had my 6 week check up at the gynae only to walk out with my 3rd script for antibiotics because my scar is inflamed and January isn’t even over!!! So I’ve really battled health wise and the healing from this Caesar has been challenging. Then to further exacerbate things I ended back at gynae the next day because scar stared bleeding profusely. Only to be told it’s just fluid ( yes lady blood is fluid) and then she proceeded to lance the bleeding spot again further opening it up to stick earbud shaped swabs into it to clean it out and send me on my merry way. So needless to say I was little tearful about it when i got home and needed a glass of wine!!

Three weeks ago Kat woke up and we entered the world of Colic altho I got told because she doesn’t scream for hours on end it’s not colic…. So call it what YOU want, it’s that not-being-able-to-settle-baby-for-hours-at-bedtime thing. So at this present moment I’m walking on our patio while the much needed rain falls outside and Kat is in a sling moulded to my body. This is tonight’s ‘new try’ as each night we aim to conquer her terrible colic and hopefully eat supper before 9!
It’s a new one for us in that we never battled to get the ginger down. It was keeping him down that was the problem. And as all parents have said. Your kids are always totally different and our situation is no different. This is all new for us. Once she’s down however she’ll pull a 6 hr stint. It’s the getting her down!!

Along with usual finding our feet comes the things you forget about from first time round… Some of which has had me giggling mostly in the early hours of the morning.

It’s the shoveling biscuits down in the passage with your antibiotics or painkillers before going into the nursery to feed.
It’s Sitting in the rocking chair while she niggles only to wake up an hour an a half later, still in the rocking chair!
It’s the massive thirst after feeding finding you drinking 500ml juice (straight out the carton) at 2am before returning to bed.
It’s the changing of bums which requires three nappies because every time you put a clean on one she poos again!!!

And in the 7 weeks there’s been lots of change not only with the Kat who is changing everyday but with the Ginger who started big school two weeks ago. Although it’s Gr000 it’s big school because when he goes to Gr R he’ll just go to a new class at the same school so there won’t be another first day of big school for me.
He also stayed over at his ‘girlfriend ‘ Lilly’s house last week and didn’t even wake or ask for me.

And with the Kat the change is daily. Last week saw me packing newborn stuff away… It’s all going too fast!!
I find myself smelling her clothes and holding her just a little bit longer when she’s sleeping. Last week I tried her on an expressed bottle. She like her brother clearly has no issue where it comes from or from what vessel!! And crazily so I was sad because it’s just another milestone, another change.

So although it’s pretty darn tough I won’t wish it away. I won’t because when the niggling and days where I hold her all day are over so will be my time with her and my heart absolutely breaks at the thought that I will have to go back to work in 7 weeks, she only be 3 months old!!

But Rich and I have already stretched beyond our means for me to take these precious months that we can’t stretch any further… A friend said to me no matter what age they are when you go back to work it hurts, a hurt you can’t describe…But it makes me sick that she won’t even been a little person in her own right and I’ll be back sitting at a desk wishing for nothing else but to have my baby in my arms.

So in all the sleeplessness and haze of colic, new schools, sleep overs without me, I truly treasure what I have and the moments I have with these little people because they’re growing up fast!!