Hormones and my sense of loss

In less than 12 hrs I will be a mom for the second time! And I don’t feel like I thought I would.

I should be sleeping but I need to get this off my chest because tomorrow will bring new emotions and this will be a distant memory I know that.

I’ve spent most of this week crying. I know hormones right? I thought it was about the Caesar and the fact that I won’t get my VBAC that I so badly wanted, but it’s so much more than that.

I realised something about myself this week. I realised just how much I hate planned stuff which is so funny because I’m an A type. But I finally get why I love surprises because it just that, it’s a surprise and You don’t know how or when it’s gonna happen…. This experience has been complete torture for me processing every detail of this birth tomorrow! Ive had 10 days to think about this!! And it doesn’t help that my last experience was just awful so the processing has not been of happy memories.

Then the other side has been the reality and real sense of loss that I feel with regards to Daniel. From tomorrow I won’t be able to devote dedicated time to him and I’m pretty sad about that.

I wrote in his journal today and said something along the lines of: every time I look at you I could just burst with love for you. You are and always will be my special.

And I can’t possibly have that connection with this little person inside me yet because in all fairness I haven’t met him/her yet.

So yah it just been a really sad week for me.

On a lighter note…. I had the most amazing afternoon with my precious ginger. Picked him up from school and went to the beach for an impromptu swim. We had so much fun. Of course I wasn’t prepared with anything so just let him strip down to his undies and borrowed some sunscreen from the lady next to me.

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Then we came home and played on the grass chasing bubbles till bedtime.

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So sad that us humans have to experience loss before we just kick off our shoes and enjoy the moment.

So here we are. I have tried most things in the book to go into natural labour and it hasn’t worked. God knew my heart and for some reason my prayer hasn’t been answered the way I wanted it. I trust him that there’s a reason, it’s what you call faith…. So the alarm is set for 5am, watch this space..

I need you to wait

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20141123-130141-46901525.jpgOn Thursday in a way we gave up on you. Or maybe just realised that as much a we’d hoped and begged and prayed, this is not God’s plan and you won’t get better. You won’t walk and you won’t talk…. So it seems pointless to carry on with speech therapy. Mom has resolved to keep you comfortable and happy. But we’ve given up and that sucks…. It’s not how it was supposed to be.

I no longer understand anything you say anymore and I wish I could just have one more conversion with you. What I would give for a duologue!!

You are regressing and don’t walk as often, instead sleep for long periods.

And the fact that this will more than likely be our last Christmas together still hurts. As Eep from the Croods says:( sorry I have a 3 yr old I watch a lot of animateds) “I have too much to say to you. I need to fix everything and I don’t have time”

How do I cram everything in… All my plans I have, my dreams that I know I’ll want your opinion on. I don’t want to have to talk to you in heaven to ask for your help from there.

This is NOT how it was supposed to be and it’s not fair that the Ablet will never know you and that Daniel was hardly remember you…

You said you’d wait till baby arrived and so that is my new prayer… selfishly….wait for the Ablet to arrive. I NEED, you to hold that baby in your arms and I need to spend one last Christmas with us.

Pregnancy Catch up (32 Weeks)

20 wks half way

20 weeks

23 weeks 2 (681x1024)

23 weeks

 

28 weeks (682x1024)

28 weeks

32 weeks (2) (683x1024)

32 weeks

 

Oh my!!!  I only realised now as I pasted the text into the browser that this update i WELL overdue. I posted when I was 17 weeks and i’m 34 now….. Whahah, well life it filled with good intentions 🙂

It’s been a hard pregnancy (this is relative, bearing in mind with the Ginger I breezed it) But it’s been hard for different reasons. I have really battled physically this time round.

You don’t get to put your feet up like you do when there are aren’t other kids around which would be a great help but I’ve also had a helluva few months at work. I actually saw this post on FB by a mate and I just had to steal it because it is such an apt indication of what it’s been like :

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But yah seriously its been a rough few months and I’ll be very glad when my maternity leave starts, which is mere weeks away now.

I’m 34 weeks can you believe it and its really starting to dawn on me and soon I won’t have my belly. Soon I won’t be able to feel the Ablet kick. I know I’ve battled this time round but I’ve loved being pregnant. Even though I have constant back ache and headaches I’m still very mindful of the fact that I’m so frikkin blessed to be able to carry this child and no one can take that away from me!!!

There are so many people that don’t get to carry a child, which I can only imagine must be devastating!!!! But I got to do it twice and for that I’m very greatful.

So as they say in Afrikaans ….”Min Dae” (few days) left and even in my sleepless uncomfortable state I thank God every day for this baby growing in my belly and also trying to enjoy the last few time I do this, before the “shop closes”

Ablet update – 17 weeks – 17 July 2014

I’m 17 weeks today!

How the hell did that happen?!?!?!

I know. Build a house, let your dad have a stroke on top of being pregnant and THAT’S how it happens!!!

It’s sad because I have only written in the Ablet’s journal once (*note to self – add to list: “TO DO”)

Ablet you may be asking…why? Well we didn’t find out what Daniel was so we called him Mini Abs. Daddy’s nickname at University was Abs because of his surname Abdo so it seemed appropriate to call baby no 1 Mini Abs. And we don’t intend finding out what this one is either and couldn’t call it Mini Abs as well, hence the choice: Ablet. So Ablet he/she shall be until December.

My belly continues to grow and I feel a lot larger than last time. Its funny tho that when you compare my belly pics with Daniel I’m actually pretty much the same size (except for my added years of  wisdom I’m storing in my bum!!! 🙂

This is me with Daniel:

 

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And this is the Ablet:

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Daniel loves his Baby “Sister” who knows maybe he’s right? I have an inkling it may be a “pinkie” but I’m not sure if it’s a feeling like last time or if it because my pregnancy has been SO different that I feel this way. Doesn’t matter what it is, I cant wait!!!

 

13 weeks

Reciprocal kisses

 

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Giving the Ablet a kiss – 13wks

16 wks (3)

Comparing Tummies – 16 wks

 

 

 

Our special Christmas present

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Our little family has some little news to share. It’s about 6.2cm little.

We’ll are growing our little family by +1

Due December 25th. Yes you read correctly that would be Christmas Day!! Daddy Abs and my planning is impeccable!!

But we are truly blessed and grateful to be given the opportunity to bring another child into this world….

Will it be pink or blue…. Well I guess we’ll know in time for Christmas!!

Here is the Ablet’s 13 weeks photoshoot:

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