Hormones and my sense of loss

In less than 12 hrs I will be a mom for the second time! And I don’t feel like I thought I would.

I should be sleeping but I need to get this off my chest because tomorrow will bring new emotions and this will be a distant memory I know that.

I’ve spent most of this week crying. I know hormones right? I thought it was about the Caesar and the fact that I won’t get my VBAC that I so badly wanted, but it’s so much more than that.

I realised something about myself this week. I realised just how much I hate planned stuff which is so funny because I’m an A type. But I finally get why I love surprises because it just that, it’s a surprise and You don’t know how or when it’s gonna happen…. This experience has been complete torture for me processing every detail of this birth tomorrow! Ive had 10 days to think about this!! And it doesn’t help that my last experience was just awful so the processing has not been of happy memories.

Then the other side has been the reality and real sense of loss that I feel with regards to Daniel. From tomorrow I won’t be able to devote dedicated time to him and I’m pretty sad about that.

I wrote in his journal today and said something along the lines of: every time I look at you I could just burst with love for you. You are and always will be my special.

And I can’t possibly have that connection with this little person inside me yet because in all fairness I haven’t met him/her yet.

So yah it just been a really sad week for me.

On a lighter note…. I had the most amazing afternoon with my precious ginger. Picked him up from school and went to the beach for an impromptu swim. We had so much fun. Of course I wasn’t prepared with anything so just let him strip down to his undies and borrowed some sunscreen from the lady next to me.

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Then we came home and played on the grass chasing bubbles till bedtime.

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So sad that us humans have to experience loss before we just kick off our shoes and enjoy the moment.

So here we are. I have tried most things in the book to go into natural labour and it hasn’t worked. God knew my heart and for some reason my prayer hasn’t been answered the way I wanted it. I trust him that there’s a reason, it’s what you call faith…. So the alarm is set for 5am, watch this space..

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