Friendship: a reflection

It’s been months since you gave a damn. I’m sure there’s been lots going on in your life…. Mine too. I’m not saying mine’s more important by any means it’s just a big chapter in my life having this baby and I always saw you being part of it.

And I’ve needed this thing that is important to me to exist for you… I needed the biggest thing in my life to MATTER to YOU! But it doesn’t. It doesn’t because you can’t see through your own pain and hurt…. But I lived your pain and supported you through it for three years. I cried with you through every heartache every loss… I was there in your time of need and now in mine you’re not.

So I find it hard to care about what you’re going through because I feel betrayed. Betrayed when you promised after the last time it would never happen again. You promised you would love this baby and I believed you… I believed you so much I wanted you to be the Godmother to this child.

So I can’t be there for you because I truly feel it was your turn to be there for me, to be able to suck it up, not make it about you but about me and this precious little being inside me that deserves to be known.

But you don’t know and never will. You don’t even know when this little person will be here, you know that little about him/her and that’s sad. It’s sad because it is your loss.

It’s funny how you can have an idea of how things will work out and when you look back it’s nothing how it was ‘supposed’ to be. It hurts but I refuse to to feel at fault here. I won’t take blame for watching a decade of friendship go down the tubes. I didn’t choose the path for us, you made that decision on behalf of both of us and I hope that one day when you’re on the other side of your journey you will realise what you lost.

But then maybe again I’m living in a dream world about that too, that being your person counted for something.

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